Scribbled thoughts of a mad woman

New Author blogs about writing

Poor Grammar Makes Me Look Like Shit

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‘Mum smells like poo!’

‘What?  What did you just say I smell like?’ I asked aghast at my son’s disrespectful words.  Now, I’m getting on in years and my hearing has never been anywhere close to ‘good’, also, I love to think of people in the best of terms, so my first instinct is to query such negative statements.  When I heard the comment my son made to his sister I couldn’t help but interrupt.

‘No, Mum,’ my daughter rushed to her brother’s defence.  ‘He said “Mum’s eyes are like poo!”‘  Slightly stunned that my daughter actually considered this better than what I thought I’d heard I was silent for almost ten seconds while I considered how best to instruct my children on inappropriate comments, especially when it concerned their mother.  I would like to say I was calm and approached the situation with a sensible attitude.  But I was more, uh, emotive.

‘You think what?  I can’t believe you said that.  Do you really think my eyes look like poo?’

‘No! No! No, Mum. I said you eyes look like a poo!’  My son was a little distraught but I couldn’t see it beyond my own miserable thoughts. 

So he considered the singular an okay description as opposed to general poo.  I wondered if he referred to a specific poo, maybe one he’d seen in the science museum, or even coprolite which would mean I was ancient and disgusting.  But, emotion was still reigned supreme in my thick skull.  I couldn’t shake off the feminine vanity that insisted on being appeased.

‘What poo?  How can you say my eyes look like a poo?’

‘No, Mum!  I didn’t say they look like a poo.  I said they look like A POO,’ he was nearly shouting now.  ‘You know, as in the Simpsons?  The guy who runs the Kwiki-Mart?  APU?’

Now, reader, had he originally said like Apu‘s then do you not agree that this confusion would never have arisen.  I ought to have given them a lecture on grammar and used this example, but I was so glad my eyes don’t look like poo all I could do was laugh, and smile, and thank them.  So glad was I that it never once crossed my mind to wonder what Apu’s eyes look like – I hope he isn’t cross-eyed. 

PS I was going to add a picture of a poo, but it made me feel a little sick.

Author: Bea Turvey apprentice author and witch

I am a wild-haired author who cannot stop writing. The writing process is not a task for me. It is an extension of myself. When I write I lose myself as easily as if I slipped into the story for a swim. Writing became a serious part of my life in Decmber of 2009. Unless you're reading this in 2014 it wasn't that long ago, and the bug hit me hard and fast. My first novel, Banished, was published in March 2010 and is available at http://www.amazon.co.uk/Banished-ebook/dp/B008PGM4TQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1361913026&sr=8-1. If you read it, or anything else I've written, I hope you'll post a review and let me know why you lied it - or even why not!

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