Freezer Stretch

I want to be two inches taller.  No more, just two inches.  There are many reasons why and here are just a few: I’ll be able to reach the top shelf of the freezer section in the supermarket – which is where they keep all the yummy veggie stuff – without perching precariously on the lower arm of a trolley that threatens to roll away just as you’re in the middle of a full stretch; the wider parts of me won’t look so out of proportion; my weight will slide back into the safe area of the chart; I won’t have to take up my trousers; sleeves will never be too long; I will have to duck, like all the other adults, when I enter the castle in the children’s park to mop tears; I’ll be able to tap my pin number into the keypad at the bar without standing on the foot rail; my husband will be able to find me in a crowd; my fear of crowds will dissipate; I shall no longer have to suffer train journeys with my nose stuffed with swirls of tissue so I can avoid the smell of eau-de-armpit; I want to be able to reach the pedals without having to move the seat so far forward my boobs rest on the steering wheel; people won’t pat me on the head; I’ll be allowed on the big rides; police won’t pull me over for not using a booster seat.

Okay, the last two were jokes and anyone with an arse like mine does not need a booster seat! 

But there is nothing to be done about my lack of stature.  What about heels, I hear you ask.  Well, apart from the inconvenient tendency I have to fall over a dense patch of air, they hurt…a lot.  I’m not into self-harming, I detest pain too much.  What about platforms, you may replay, well ditto the falling over thing plus they’re not particularly attractive and how am I supposed to work the car’s pedals?  Yes, yes, I know, I’m being picky.  SHooting down each suggestion without weighing up the pros and cons, but I will not waver on the point about pain; so maybe I ought to give platforms a go.

I’ll try them out and let you know my verdict – I’ll call you while I’m in traction!


About Bea Turvey apprentice author and witch

I am a wild-haired author who cannot stop writing. The writing process is not a task for me. It is an extension of myself. When I write, I lose myself as easily as if I slipped into the story for a swim. Writing became a serious part of my life in Decmber of 2009. Unless you're reading this in 2017 it wasn't that long ago, and the bug hit me hard and fast. My first novel, Banished, was published in March 2010 and is available at If you read it, or anything else I've written, I hope you'll post a review and let me know why you liked it - or even why not!
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